The Art of Ambition: Setting Goals That Ignite Your Soul
“A good goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot.” - Joe Vitale
Hola Amigos!
Where We Learn How to Make Sure That the Goals We’re Chasing Will Really Lead to Long-Term Happiness
Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived. —JAMES J. LACHARD, ON WHAT IS MOST SURPRISING ABOUT HUMANITY
Dreams, visions, aspirations, goals these are essential to an extraordinary life. In this newsletter, you’ll learn how to embark on your own path toward the extraordinary by getting bolder and better with your goals. "I'll guide you through a simple yet powerful process to achieve your goals in every aspect of life. Picture yourself ten years from now, looking back on a life well-lived and excited about what comes next."
THE PERILS OF CONVENTIONAL GOAL SETTING
Goal setting is an absurd practice it simply is too dangerous when done without the right training. See, modern goal setting, as it’s explained in countless college courses or to high-school kids, is really not about teaching you how to pursue what will really help you lead an extraordinary life. Rather, it’s about teaching you to pursue common Brules (Bull Sh*t rules) of the culturescape—Brules that often lead to your chasing things that you’ll ultimately find do not really matter. It’s about safety rather than about truly living. The biggest of these Brules is the idea that you need to map out your life to move you toward some ridiculous idea called a career. As a result, when most people think about setting goals and their visions for the future, their dominant model focuses on career and money. Bullshit. As Zen philosopher Alan Watts famously said: Forget the money, because if you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living—that is, to go on doing things you don’t like doing. Which is stupid. Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way. Too many of us pursue goals we think will make us happy—only to wake up one day in our forties, wondering what on earth happened to us as we find ourselves stuck in uninspiring, boring, stagnant lives. How does this happen? First, the big problem with life in many industrialized countries is that far too often, we’re expected to choose a career before we can legally buy a beer. There is a fundamental flaw in our modern system of goal setting: With our minds clouded by Brules, we confuse the means and the end.
SHIFT FOCUS FROM MEAN TO END GOALS
You’ve probably heard the expression “it was a means to an end.” It applies to goals, too. Often people confuse means goals with end goals. We choose college majors, career paths, life paths as if they were ends in themselves, when in reality they’re a means to an end. We may invest years of toil and money for means goals masquerading as end goals. This can get us into trouble. The difference between a means goal and an end goal is one of the lessons that I wish more people could learn earlier in life. End goals are the beautiful, exciting rewards of being human on planet Earth. End goals are about experiencing love, traveling around the world being truly happy, contributing to the planet because doing so gives you meaning, and learning a new skill for the pure joy of it. End goals speak to your soul. They bring you joy in and of themselves, not because they confer any outward label, standard, or value attached by society. Nor are end goals undertaken for the purpose of pay or for material reward. They are the experiences that create the best memories in our lives. Means goals are the things that society tells us we need to have in place to get to happiness.
Almost everything you write down as a goal was actually a means to an end, not an end in itself, including: Graduating from high school with a good GPA. Qualifying for the right college. Securing a summer internship. Other common means goals include hitting certain income levels, getting good reviews and promotions to a certain level at work, and being with one particular someone. But when means goals become your focus, you miss the point. As Joe Vitale said, “A good goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot.” Scary and exciting are two beautiful feelings that good end goals often bring out. Scary is a good thing because it means you’re pushing your boundaries—that’s how you take steps toward the extraordinary. Excitement signifies that your goal is genuinely close to your heart—not something you’re doing to please someone else or to conform to society’s Brules.
THE IMPORTANT DISTINCTION: MEANS GOALS VERSUS END GOALS
HOW TO IDENTIFY MEANS GOALS
1. MEANS GOALS USUALLY HAVE A “SO” IN THEM.
Means goals don’t stand alone but are stepping-stones to something else. They’re part of a sequence. For example: Get a good GPA so you can get into a good college. This often means that goals get strung together into (life) long sequences, like this one: Get a good GPA so you can get into a good college, so you can get a good job, so you can make lots of money, so you can afford a nice house, car, etc., so you’ll have money saved to do all the stuff you really want to do after you retire. Does your goal have a “so” attached?
2. MEANS GOALS ARE OFTEN ABOUT MEETING OR CONFORMING TO BRULES.
Is your goal one you think you “should” meet as part of achieving your ultimate goal—for example, thinking that you should get a college degree in order to have a fulfilling job or that you should get married in order to have love in your life? Many means goals are cleverly concealed Brules. You do not have to get married. Or get a college degree. Or be an entrepreneur. Or join the family business. What you really want is to be in beautiful loving relationships, to have consistent opportunities to learn and grow, and to have freedom. These can come in many different forms. See the difference?
HOW TO IDENTIFY END GOALS
1. END GOALS ARE ABOUT FOLLOWING YOUR HEART
Time flies when you’re pursuing them. You may work hard toward these goals, but you feel it’s worth it. They remind you of how fantastic it is to be human. When you’re working on an end goal, it doesn’t feel like “work.” You could be doing it for hours on end, but it genuinely makes you happy or gives you meaning. You don’t need to step away to get “recharged.” Working on the end goal itself recharges you—it doesn’t drain you. For example, for me, writing this book is an end goal. It’s so much fun that I’d do it even if I never got paid.
2. END GOALS ARE OFTEN FEELINGS
To be happy, to be in love, to consistently feel loving, to consistently feel joyous are all very good end goals. A diploma, an award, a big business deal, or other achievements can certainly bring good feelings, but they are not end goals UNLESS you’re happy AS you’re pursuing them—in other words, unless the act of studying for your diploma or closing the business deal itself brings you happiness. End goals have happiness baked into the pursuit.
THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
How do we avoid the means goals trap? By asking the Three Most Important Questions. When these questions are asked in the correct order, this exercise can help you jump straight to the end goals that really matter in your life. All end goals fall into three different buckets.
The first is experiences. No matter what you believe about humanity’s origins, one thing is clear. We’re here to experience all the world has to offer—not objects, not money, but experiences. Money and objects only generate experiences. Experiences also give us happiness in the now, a key component of the extraordinary life. We need to feel that daily life holds wonder and excitement to sustain our happiness—which fuels our movement toward our goals.
The second is growth. Growth deepens our wisdom and awareness. It may be growth we choose or growth that chooses us. Growth makes life an endless journey of discovery.
The third is contribution. It is what we give back from the wealth of our experiences and growth. What we give is the special mark we can make on the world. Giving moves us toward awakening, the highest level of happiness, by providing meaning in our lives, and it is a key component of the extraordinary life. Think about these three essentials framed as questions.
THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
Question 1
What Experiences Do You Want to Have? In this section, you are asking yourself this question: If time and money were no object and I did not have to seek anyone’s permission, what kinds of experiences would my soul crave? Let’s apply this to the first four items in the Lifebook Twelve Areas of Balance. Each of these four items relates to experiences:
1. YOUR LOVE RELATIONSHIP What does your ideal love relationship look like? Imagine it in all its facets: how you communicate, what you have in common, the activities you do together, what a day in your life together looks like, what holidays are like, what moral and ethical beliefs you share, what type of wild passionate sex you are having.
2. YOUR SOCIAL LIFE: What experiences would you like to share with friends? Who are the friends you’d share these experiences with? What are your ideal friends like? Picture your social life in a perfect world—the people, the places, the conversation, the activities. What does the perfect weekend with your friends look like?
3. YOUR FINANCIAL LIFE: What experiences would you like to be able to afford? Moving to an exotic new city for a month? Traveling the world? Owning a gorgeous apartment in London? Being able to take time off work to pursue a passion project?
4. YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE: In this amazing life of yours, what would your home look like? What would it feel like to come back to this place? Describe your favorite room—what would be in this wonderful space? What would be the most heavenly bed you can imagine sleeping in? What kind of car would you drive if you could have any car you wanted? Now imagine the perfect workspace: Describe where you could do your best work. When you go out, what kinds of restaurants and hotels would you love to visit?
Question 2
How Do You Want to Grow? When you watch how young children soak up information, you realize how deeply wired we are to learn and grow. Personal growth can and should happen throughout life, not just when we’re children. In this section, you’re essentially asking yourself: In order to have the experiences above, how do I have to grow? What sort of man or woman do I need to evolve into? Notice how this question ties to the previous one? Now, consider these four categories from the Twelve Areas of Balance:
5. YOUR HEALTH AND FITNESS: Describe how you want to feel and look every day. What about five, ten, or twenty years from now? What eating and fitness systems would you like to have? What health or fitness systems would you like to explore, not because you think you ought to but because you’re curious and want to? Are there fitness goals you’d like to achieve purely for the thrill of knowing you accomplished them (whether it’s hiking a mountain, learning to tap dance, or getting in a routine of going to the gym)?
6. YOUR INTELLECTUAL LIFE: What do you need to learn in order to have the experiences you listed above? What would you love to learn? What books and movies would stretch your mind and tastes? What kinds of art, music, or theater would you like to know more about? Are there languages you want to master? What skills do you need to develop to make your career thrive? Remember to focus on end goals—choosing learning opportunities where the joy is in the learning itself, and the learning is not merely a means to an end, such as a diploma.
7. YOUR EMOTIONAL LIFE: I’m placing the category of emotional life here for simplicity, but your goals for your emotional life can also fit under the experiences category. When you think about goals for emotions, you’re thinking about how you want to feel on a persistent basis. More humble. More blissed out. Happier and more positive. Perhaps becoming the person who uplifts and lights up the lives of others? Write down your end goals here.
8. YOUR SPIRITUAL LIFE: Where are you now spiritually, and where would you like to be? Would you like to move deeper into the spiritual practice you already have or try out others? What is your highest aspiration for your spiritual practice? Would you like to learn things like lucid dreaming, deep states of meditation, or ways to overcome fear, worry, or stress?
Question 3
How Do You Want to Contribute? In keeping with His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s message, if you want to be happy, make other people happy. This question explores how all of your unique experiences and growth can help you contribute to the world. It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic gesture—perhaps it’s inviting the new neighbors over for a cookout or taking the new hire out for lunch, playing the piano at a nursing home, helping rescued animals get adopted.
In this section, you’re essentially asking yourself: If I have the experiences above and have grown in these remarkable ways, then how can I give back to the world? Again, notice how this question connects to the previous two. Imagine what you can give in these areas of the Twelve Areas of Balance:
9. YOUR CAREER: What are your visions for your career? What level of competence do you want to achieve and why? How would you like to improve your workplace or company? What contribution to your field would you like to make? If your career does not currently seem to contribute anything meaningful to the world, take a closer look—is that because the work is truly meaningless or does it just not have meaning to you? What career would you like to get into?
10. YOUR CHARACTER: What traits and values do you want to embody. Bravery? Honesty? Perhaps you want to be a person who takes a stand for issues that matter to you in the world.
11. YOUR FAMILY & PARENTING LIFE: Picture yourself being with your family not as you think you “should” be but in ways that fill you with happiness. What are you doing and saying? What wonderful experiences are you having together? What values do you want to embody and pass along? What can you contribute to your family that is unique to you? Keep in mind that your family doesn’t have to be a traditional family—ideas along those lines are often Brules. “Family” may be cohabiting partners, a same-sex partner, a marriage where you decided not to have children, or a single life where you consider a few close friends as family. Don’t fall into society’s definition of family. Instead, create a new model of reality and think of family as those whom you truly love and want to spend time with.
12. YOUR LIFE VISION: How would you like to contribute to your community? This could be your friends, your neighborhood, your city, state, nation, religious community, or the world community. Looking at all of your abilities, all of your ideas, all of the unique experiences you’ve had that make you the person you are, what is the mark you want to leave on the world that excites and deeply satisfies you? For me, it’s reforming global education for our children. What is it for you?
CREATE A VISION FOR YOUR FUTURE
Extraordinary minds create a vision for their future that is decidedly their own and free from expectations of the culturescape. Their vision is focused on end goals that strike a direct chord with their happiness.
Applying the Three Most Important Questions to Work, Life, and Communities You can do the Three Most Important Questions exercise alone or with others. Schools in the United States and in villages in Africa have used it to inspire students. Companies use it to create more bonding and employee engagement. Many people do this exercise with a partner—sharing your answers creates instant connection. Try the exercise with your partner on your respective birthdays or on your anniversary. It’s fascinating to see how your own and others’ goals evolve and change over time.
Exercise: Ask Yourself the Three Most Important Questions
BEGIN BY KEEPING IT SIMPLE
All you need is a place to write down your responses—it could be your journal, your computer, a smartphone, or anything else. For each category, set a timer or your watch for three minutes or so. Setting a timer helps shut down your logical mind so your intuitive and creative mind can come out to play before hairy old Brules or outdated models of reality can rear up and rain on your parade. With the timer, you can complete the entire exercise in ten minutes.
DON’T OVERTHINK IT
Trust your intuition to know the answers to these questions. Don’t spend too long, and don’t worry about being grammatical. Just let your words flow. Draw pictures if that helps. This is why the three-minute timer works. It forces your logical mind to shut up so your intuitive mind can be allowed a free-flowing expression of what you truly want. You can always go back after the three minutes are up and spend time analyzing and sorting out your list. But start with the three-minute rule.
REMEMBER THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MEANS GOAL AND AN END GOAL
The quickest way is to focus on feelings. What feelings will a goal bring? For example, a feeling-focused end goal about your environment might be: “I want a house I’m blissfully happy to wake up in every morning” or “At least twice a month, I get to go out for a delicious meal with friends or family I love to be with.”
FOLLOW THESE FIVE STEPS TO STAY ON TRACK
Use this quick guide to double-check your goals to see if they’re in full alignment with what you really want. Mia Koning, designed these five steps, which added further clarity to the process:
1. Identify a goal. Answer this question exhaustively until you have no more answers: When I achieve this goal, I will be able to __, __, __, [etc.].
Answer this question exhaustively, until you have no more answers: When I achieve all this, I will feel __, __, __ [etc.].
Identify the true underlying objectives of your goal, based on your answers to questions 2 and 3. Compare these objectives with the original goal and ask:
■ Is this original goal the only way/best way to achieve these objectives?
■ Is this original goal enough to achieve them?
■ Can I achieve them in a more effective way?
When you do this, you will often find that what you think is an end goal is really a means goal. You will also get clarity on what the actual end goal might be. This will free you to ensure that you’re really pursuing the right end goal.
THE GOOD NEWS
The good news is that you’re already on your way. Something amazing happens when you set big, beautiful end goals. Your brain latches on to what you’re seeing and feeling. It goes to work, hacking its way toward your goals. Steve Jobs said it wisely: You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well-worn path; and that will make all the difference. When you ask the Three Most Important Questions right, you’re “believing that the dots will connect down the road.” You will start noticing and discovering the paths that bring you closer and closer to where you want to be. Scientists may call this one thing (such as the brain’s reticular activating system); mystics may call it another (the universe, God, fate, synchronicity, the law of attraction, or thoughts create reality). Steve Jobs calls it “your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.” I call it the extraordinary mind. Use this weapon wisely.
With this newsletter we're all about creating a space for like-minded individuals who are committed to growth, inner work, and becoming the best versions of themselves. We're not just about personal success; we're about uplifting ourselves and those around us. Share this newsletter with friends who might also be on this journey, and together, let's keep growing and inspiring each other!